WHOSE SUCCESS ARE YOU CHASING?
Why your goals might be causing psychological distress, and the 3-step test to ensure your ambitions are actually yours
I don’t like setting goals as much as I used to. It’s not because I’ve lost my drive. It’s because I’ve learnt that chasing someone else’s version of success was causing me a profound “Moral Injury.”
There’s nothing wrong with setting goals, or being driven by achievement, as long as that is aligned with what you value. However, if it isn’t aligned with your values, it might become an issue over time.
The cost of misaligned ambition
Years ago, when I mistakenly valued achievement it led to career advancements, but also burnout (twice). I became overworked and overweight, but more than that, I became a stranger to myself–I felt lost, stuck and depressed.
In reality, it wasn’t the work load per se that was causing this, it was the fact that I was doing so much of what I didn’t value! I had accidentally subscribed to someone else’s definition of success.
I was committing, what I’ve come to refer to as, Moral Injury; a quiet (or not so quiet) internal violation of your core values and sense of integrity.
It’s not just burnout that we risk experiencing when we do too much, but when we do things that aren’t for us, we also risk profound psychological and spiritual distress.
To be successful in life, there can’t be a disconnect between your values and what you do.
Redefining success
Forget about success for a bit. Simply having peace and enjoying life (in your own kind of special way; that early morning run or workout session; that cup of tea at 10AM in the morning; that uninterrupted snuggle-time with your children) are all contingent on this aligning between what you value and what you do.
Because, as author Annie Dillard observed, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”
We can’t expect to build a life we enjoy living if we’re pursuing goals that aren’t our own.
That is why it’s crucial that we learn to tell the difference between the goals we want and the goals we were told to want. To do that, we look at the relationship between our goals and our values.
Why values and goals are one and the same
Values and goals are often the same thing. It’s just that values are actions and behaviours we perform over the course of our lives, and they are expressions for what we are really seeking in life.
When goals are not aligned with your values you want to be able to tell the difference.
The “whose voice is it?” test
Here’s a practice that I often use myself, that helps uncover whether the goal you pursue is yours or potentially someone else’s that you happen to inherit.
Often we inherit goals and ambitions from people who are influential in our lives (parents, teachers, mentors, media). When you think about your goal(s) you can ask yourself, “Whose voice is saying this is important?”
If the voice is any other than your own, you might want to start paying attention to this goal and its motivations. There’s a good chance that it’s based on what you “should” do, rather than what you want to do.
The “secret achievement” test
Ask yourself, “If I could never tell a soul about this achievement, would I still want to do the work to get there?”
Imagine that you weren’t able or allowed to, for example, post about it on social media, or tell your friends or parents about it. Would you still like to do it?
Aligned goals are typically intrinsically meaningful, meaning, the action alone is fulfilling regardless whether you reach the finish line or not.
For example, when I go running, I run because I enjoy running. Whether I improve my performance or lose weight matters less than the simple act of running. Running aligns with my value of health and wellbeing, and it’s enjoyable outside of certain outcomes.
Aligned goals feel like energy (even if they are hard). Inherited goals typically feel like an obligation; heavy and draining.
Finding joy in the mundane
Inherited goals are most often about the reward, the outcome or the destination, whereas aligned goals are about the process or the journey.
Therefore, ask yourself, “Do I actually like the mundane day of this goal?”
We all have mundane days, where life is just life. What Dillard meant with life is how we spend our days. Our days aren’t always filled with adventure and excitement. Results take time. That time is made up of ordinary days–uneventful days.
If your goal is to become a renowned chef, but you hate cooking, you might have taken on the wrong kind of goal.
These days, I don’t set big goals–at least not outcome-goals. I’m much more focused on the process and simply “being on the path.”
Instead of being goal-oriented or outcome-oriented, you can try being process- or purpose-oriented. Instead of “Becoming famous” (the outcome), you want to discover the purpose, “to be a person who makes a difference,” which might very well lead to people taking notice.
The ultimate goal isn’t the achievement, it’s alignment. Alignment between who you are and what you do. When you clear away the goals you “inherited” you’re left with a lot more space. Even though this space might feel confusing at first, you finally have the room to hear your own voice.
The only “success” that counts is the kind that allows you to enjoy that 10AM cup of tea without the nagging feeling that you should be doing something else.
I invite you to take one goal off your plate that you realise isn’t actually yours. Feel the relief. That’s the feeling of realigning with your inner self–your innate and ultimate advantage.
If you’ve spent years chasing goals that left you feeling burned out rather than fulfilled, you might be wondering: Is there a different way?
Join me on January 27th for a live call where we’re going to challenge the standard “achievement” narrative. We’ll talk about how to set goals that actually protect and promote your peace, and when it’s perfectly okay to have no goals at all.
Come as you are—no “hustle” required. 😉